A Definition of God
A Story of Naivety, Atheism and a Returnal to The True Self.
Yes, I know, I know. Quite a strange topic to break out of my hiatus with, but bear with me here…
In my life I’ve made a strange journey in terms of belief, religion and spirituality.
I wanted to give you the short version of that journey and what I concluded from it.
We’ll take it slow at first so you gather all the basics before we get into the schizo conclusions I came to now. I think only then I will not be seen as crazy. But I suppose that will happen either way. Oh well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Initially, I would say I was a very naive and had a very strong sense of morality.
Things were bad if I felt bad, if it hurt someone, if it didn’t make sense on face value.
Nothing special here you would say. Perhaps most kids—at least Fi users—have a morality like this, but at least it was a morality. There are definitely devilish kids…
Heck, I remember I wrote an ‘essay’ in school saying how discrimination was the most incomprehensible act a human could commit and how it should be illegal (not knowing it already was… Or at least in a way).
Oh boy… How that bit us in the ass later on! And shows how much they teach kids to drink that Kool-Aid—but there is a purity in it as well. Much to my surprise when I still hear people say things like that. Still having the same morality as I had when I was… 6. I’m not to trying to claim moral superiority there.
Surprise, I said, not indignation.
On one hand, I can see where they’re coming from but on the other I want to just tell them to grow up and see things for what they really are. Saying that out of sympathy, as I once believed what they did as well. Funnily enough, it’s often them urging everyone to be ‘open-minded’ but when someone or something really comes out left field, it’s too much. Having the presumption that if you disagree, it must automatically mean you have not considered or even adopted their mode of reasoning or belief.
Not realizing the opposite is the case and they’re trying to move you forward.
Alas, that’s the way it is. Don’t cast pearls before swine. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anyhow, I was very religious, I presumed that anything I did was beheld to some kind of judge. I didn’t care if it was the Catholic, Protestant or what-ever other interpretation of it. I always felt like something would judge me if I did something wrong. Once, me and a childhood friend climbed over a neighbor's garden fence, went into their living room (which had the door open) and stole some of the toys that were in the room—quite rare ones at that.
We felt quite good about my new toys, but I felt regret after maybe 5 minutes.
“What if they find out?” “Will I go to hell for this?” “Stealing is a sin, and I know it is, why did I do this?” So, even when being around 6 years old (?) I felt the massive guilt of committing a sin. Remember this, as it’s important later on in the story.
Later when we tried to do it again, the grandfather of the neighbor caught us but we escaped in time and we got away with it. In some sense we did, in another, we did get caught and my punishment was just starting, because for the next couple years I couldn’t walk near that house. Constantly having the fear of the police being at my door. I knew the kid that lived there actually (supposedly my friend) and later he told me once he found out about the theft that: “I will now follow you around everywhere, and won’t stop.” Like the ghost of conscious or something. This, obviously, frightened me to my core. Didn’t I say my (spiritual) life was a strange journey?
You could say it was a minor thing, but I still remember it to this day because of how much effect such a ‘small’ act can have on you, even when being so little.
Around this time I also prayed pretty much every night before I went to sleep. And I kept that up until I hit puberty I would say (more on that in the future).
I would express my gratitude and wished for good things to happen to myself and people around me—you could say in part the secular idea of the ‘celestial butler’.
However, I think I knew that if I was tempted with or ‘forced’ this wish or desire, that it wouldn’t happen, because deep down I knew it wasn't what I really needed.
I would like to empathize that no-one actively converted me in my life. I would say my environment was very secular. It was (mostly) a personal choice.
Why am I going into all of this? Well, I have a belief that much of our talents, our flaws, problems, our life’s journey presents itself in the micro—as an archetypal play—in childhood. And it repeats itself many times over your life. It is up to you to put it together, understand it, accept it and cultivate it. I think your true destiny lies there.
Once completed, death is not to be feared but the logical conclusion to that story.
But I’m getting ahead of myself… As usual.
I think it’s by connecting back with that in adulthood that we find who we really are again. It’s what artist, in my view, are best at. Jack Stauber’s music, for example,
is described by some as: “Saying what we don’t have the words for yet in childhood, but lost and forgot as adults.” It’s no wonder that some of his tracks make me break down every time I listen to it.
To me, my spirituality or religious beliefs is one of those topics of importance that loops back several times. And the more I let go of the defense mechanisms created by trauma, the more I can be myself and the freer I feel.
I will leave this as an introduction to break this journey up in parts and see if it resonates at all with you.
Thank you for sticking around despite my hectic and bizarre uploads and such.
Life isn’t a straight line, especially for me. So thanks being around through all of it.
I will still write about personalities, Fourth Turning and the usual schizo subjects don’t worry. And let me tell you: I got to some word first insights with those subjects.
I just figured, perhaps these episodic stories (aka series) are fun for you to read on.
See you soon,
JSC